Lunch Break, And a Can of Worms
by QuoteCentric
Summary: A long-lost relative recieves a collect call from the moon.  My first fic! Please reveiw!  Now a full-blown fic, because you demanded it!  Update: Vector's sister comes home...and stays...
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own "Despicable Me" or any of it's characters. They belong to Illumination Entertainment. I do, however, own my two OC's here. I'm receiving no profit for this work, I just wrote it for fun and laughs. **

**Note: This is my first fan-fic. (Yay!), but it's also more of an experimental fic. I won't give too much away, but I will say I think it's always more entertaining when you can only hear half of a phone conversation...**

**I'm also trying out some new word processing software, so I hope I'm doing this right and this thing posts properly.**

**Lunch Break**

It's often been said it's best to separate work from home. And yet, there's a surprising number of people out there who decorate their office so it's more like their home. And then there's that number of people who fill their offices with stuff that would make their Grannies cry. Or maybe just look at them like they'd grown an extra index finger on the side of their head. Some people just can't handle knowing there's an orangutan bikini calendar next to a photo of the family dog.

But, regardless, you can usually tell what kind of person someone is by looking at their office.

Take this office, with its many back issues of 'Modern Evil' stacked neatly in shelves along with titles like 'Productive Violence' and 'Dealing with Sociopaths in a Corporate Environment.'

The afternoon sun and the smell of salt from the coast below filtered in from the thick vertical blinds behind an enormous desk occupied by a woman. Due to a rare moment of privacy, she had tilted her chair back and propped her feet up—one boney knee crossed over the other. Right now, she felt pretty relaxed. She'd gotten halfway through a thick volume called 'Contemporary Villainy: A Feminist's Perspective' while absentmindedly trying to cram as many potato chips into her mouth as possible. Life was good. At least until-

"Miss P.?"

"Gah!"

It took less than half a second to shove the bag of chips off her desk and slam her fist on the button to automatically close the window blinds behind her. The young intern who now appeared on her computer screen watched nervously as his boss glared at him. She took a small, black stress ball from the side over her desk and slowly began to squeeze it over and over—as if it was his head.

"Kevin," Miss P. said evenly, "do you remember what I told you when you started working here? This is my me-time. So, from twelve to one pm, I don't-"

"Exist. Yeah, but what about personal calls?"

"What about them?"

"Well, I got this guy on line 1...a collect call actually, says he's your brother-"

The stress ball exploded.

For a moment, the thin woman looked like she was about to choke on something. But only for a moment. Her eyes were steady behind her thick glasses when she next spoke to her intern.

"Are you sure?"

"Tha-that's what he says! Sounds kind of fishy to me. I mean his name-"

"Never mind."

"Well, I mean, uh..."Kevin fidgeted nervously. He didn't like it when his boss looked at him like that. It was like she was secretly thinking of ways to squish him like a piece of fruit. He was beginning to have nightmares where this long, thin hand appeared out of nowhere, scooped him up out of bed and just started squeezing and squeezing—until his head popped like a party balloon...full of confetti...he wondered what Freud would say about something like that.

"So...don't accept the charges, then?"

"Put him on through."She thought for a moment before adding, "I want this call encrypted."

"Okay..." Kevin did as he was told. "Y'know, it's kinda funny."

"Hmm?"

"I didn't know you had any family, Miss P."

"I don't pay you to be nosy, Kevin."

And she turned off her computer screen, leaving her alone with the light flashing on her telephone. Line 1. Why now? This really wasn't how she wanted to spend her lunch.

She stared at her phone like it was going to bite her for a few more seconds before slowly picking up the receiver.

"Hello," she breathed, "...Sharkie?"

The voice on the other end sounded both nervous and even a little giddy. She hadn't expected that.

"I...yeah. Yeah! It _has_ been a long time." Miss P. was so relieved she felt giddy herself. She sank back into her seat as a familiar nasal voice filled her ears. "True, I can't say I'm _not_ surprised, but...huh?"

How is it possible to go from relieved to beyond freaked in the blink of an eye?

"You're calling from WHERE?"

Her jaw dropped.

"No, no. I Believe you, I'm just a tad shocked." Which was the understatement of the year. "Are you okay? Do you need any help up there?...Oh...I'm sorry but I really don't know what to say."

_Just what the heck had he been up to?_

Then she recalled how not long ago, the ocean outside her window had just...stopped. No waves, no ebbing, no flowing, it just stopped. She had been too busy with other projects at the time to truly pay it much thought. Weirder things happened at BlackList Unlimited before lunchtime than the ocean taking a breather.

"So, that was you? With the moon, I mean?

The voice on the other end suddenly sounded indignant.

She raised an eyebrow. "'Sorta?' Okay, I won't ask. But," (and she really hated to ask this) "have you called Dad yet?...Oh."

The response she got was not promising. Miss P. was beginning to suspect her brother was more embarrassed than alarmed about his current situation. This was no surprise. The little guy was so accident-prone he had been knocking on death's door off and on since he was a toddler. So, what's a little time in space for someone with genes hardier than a cockroach? Still, she wouldn't be his sister if she wasn't concerned. He hadn't made the effort to find her number and call her just to shoot the breeze.

"Listen, Sharkie—Okay, Victor—Okay, whatever-Look, I can understand if you're feeling a little vulnerable considering your circumstances, but-What?"

He couldn't be serious.

"You're kidding, right?...No, it's just that this is the first word I get from you in years and you want-"

"WELL, WHO'S FAULT IS THAT?"

Miss P. hadn't pulled the receiver away from her ear in time. Great gravy, she's forgotten what a windpipe the kid had! It was like a sonic boom had gone off on the side of her face. Her jet-black hair halfway fallen out of it's neat little braided bun and her glasses now hung at an odd angle on her nose.

She sighed. "No, I know you're right, just give me a second."

Ears still ringing, she adjusted her glasses and straightened up her hair before contacting her intern.

"Kevin, do we have a copy of 'One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish' on file?"

"I'll take a look, Miss, P."

"No, wait," Her brother was babbling on the other line again."You don't want that one?...But you always liked...I don't think we have any thing like _that _on file-"

"Huh?"

"Not you, Kevin!"And she clicked him off before he could say anything more.

Cookies. She needed cookies. It didn't matter if the world was suddenly spiraling out of control, you could always count on cookies. Miss P. unlocked a drawer on the side of her desk and groped through a collection of pastries and candy wrappers until she found a half-eaten package of Peanut Butter Chocolate Hunky Chunkies. She shoved two into her mouth before continuing with her brother.

"Vic, I can't believe I'm even asking this, but," she lowered her voice considerably, _"why do I have to read you a story?"_

Wasn't there some point where if a person starts breathing carbon dioxide long enough, they start going a little nuts? Or, was that carbon _monoxide_? Or was that something else completely?

"Yes, I can understand the stars making you feel nostalgic..."

Because he sounded like he was turning into a Grade-A fruit loop!

Miss P. nibbled on another cookie and rubbed her forehead. Calm down. Calm down...

"...What?"

He hasn't lost his mind yet...

"Are you sure you're getting enough oxygen?"

Don't let him hear the rise in your voice...

"I'm sorry, I just don't think there are any floating twinkie-aliens on the moon!"

"Uh, Miss P.?"

"Well, then make faces right back! You're a grown man so...What?"

"Miss P.?"

"I seriously doubt you're going to befriend anything with your killer dance moves!"

She never should have left. She never should have left him by himself. She should have kept in touch. She should have called. Or written. Or E-mailed, or blogged, or texted or tweeted! She could have at least driven by his house and yelled "H!" It's not like she'd wanted to cut off her family like she had. Not if it wasn't for-

"Miss P.?"

"WHAT IS IT NOW, KEVIN?"

"Uh, there's this guy on line 2," Kevin rattled off the words like his life depended on it. "He says he's your father."

Speak of the devil.

Cookie number five shattered in Miss P.'s suddenly clenched fist. To Kevin, it was like there was a little chocolate-chippy dust cloud where his boss's hand used to be. Her left eye twitched.

"I see..." She said coldly.

"Erruhhmm, if you want, I can say you're not in or..."

"No, no." She wasn't really talking to Kevin anymore, she was just staring off into space."Mustn't keep the busy man waiting."

Miss P. absentmindedly turned off her connection to Kevin. She could barely hear her little brother anymore. She was less aware of his strange attempts at befriending an imaginary space buddy than she was about the now flashing line 2 on her phone. This day was just getting better and better.

After this was all over, Miss P. planned on treating herself to a mountain of chocolate. And maalox. Maalox and chocolate.

But first things first.

"Victor, I gotta put you on hold, okay?...Okay?..I gotta—I'm putting you on hold now, okay!"

There were high-pitched gibbering sounds coming from the receiver. She switched to line 2 right after an ear-splitting "OH YEAH! You got served!" could be heard on the first line.

"BlackList Unlimited." Miss P. used the most neutral voice she could manage. "Hello, sir...Dad."

Why did this all have to be happening at once? The best thing she could do was get this over with as quickly and cleanly as possible.

"No...Yes...I understand."

It's not like she didn't have a little brother stranded in space running out of air.

"You...What?"

Oh, poop, he knew!

"Well, is-is he okay? How did this happen?"

Just as long as his didn't know she knew. Subterfuge: one of the first things you learn when becoming either a super villain or a bureaucrat. Miss P.'s father didn't seem interested in giving her the details though. He went straight to the point. Why was she not surprised?

"Yes, we have several...we'd have to use one of the larger ones in close-range orbit."

At least they both wanted the same thing. Really, she was planning on doing this anyway. For once, Miss P. actually felt a little pleased she was talking to him.

"...so he won't burn up on re-entry...That shouldn't be a problem, they're all equipped with navigational systems."

But, he was speaking to her like she was one of his clients. He...always spoke to her like she was one of his clients.

Wait. Didn't he care that he had a son suffocating in space at this very moment? He was treating this all like a normal business transaction! Miss P. wolfed down yet another cookie in frustration.

"Um...say, Dad, just out of curiosity, how long can someone start running low on oxygen before they get...I don't know..._tipsy_? No reason, just wondering...Huh? No, I am not eating!"

Is that all he could say after all this time? He really didn't care, did he?

"Look, I'll get him down, but you'll pick him up, understand?...No, I'm not arguing this! I expect my equipment to be returned undamaged, and I expect to be reimbursed for my efforts!"

She deliberately and very loudly chomped another cookie as close as possible to the receiver. "Well, who taught me to be this way, sir!

Miss P. slammed down the receiver and spent a good several minutes fuming at no one in particular while torturing her cookie. Whole universes would have lived and died in the amount of time it would have taken her to pull herself out of her tantrum if she hadn't noticed the still-flashing line 1.

"Oh, crap! Vic! Vic! You still there?" Thankfully, the phone had been made from reinforced titanium or she would have broken the call button. "Yeah, hi! Whoa, thank goodness, I thought...yes, I did have you on hold, actually. Thanks for noticing. Sorry I interrupted your air-guitar session."

Had his ADHD tripled since she last saw him?

"Look, I was just on the phone with Dad—No, I didn't tell him anything! Please pay attention!"

It was worse than she thought—he was actually making squeaky sounds for his 'alien' and talking at the same time!

"Vic, listen to me carefully. CONSERVE YOUR AIR! Breath shallow, like they taught you in scuba camp!"

Never mind that he never finished that camp...

"Stay put! I'm re-routing one of my satellites, it will come and pick you up!...Wah? No, I don't want to say 'Hi' to your new friend!"

She'd have to act fast, he was becoming delirious!

"Okay, Okay, Bro. You're going to have to focus. You don't happen to know where you are on the moon, do you?"

Balancing her phone between shoulder and chin, Miss P. wrote something down on her notepad.

"...'Right next to the big, giant thumb print'...I'm supposed to take this seriously?"

His explanation was even more bazaar than his imaginary friend. His arch-enemy had manhandled the moon? Really? It's so tough to be patient when time's no working for you.

"Look, Vic, please work with me here. I know you're a little low on air, but I really need something better than that if I'm going to help you."

Come on, come on, let there still be a brain in that airless head of his.

"...Oh...I meant coordinates, do you—yeah, like that!"

Finally, something to work with! Miss P. quickly scribbled down the information and paged her intern.

"Kevin, I need you to call the techs down there in Stellar Larceny and Engineering and tell them they have a pick up job. There is a man stranded on the moon at these coordinates..." She rattled off the numbers on her notepad while keying them into her computer. "I need him retrieved by one of our close-range satellites and I expect-"

"Um, what does he look like?"

"Excuse me?"

"The guy they have to pick up, what does he look like?"

"Expecting to find more than one fellow strolling around on the moon, are we?"

That tone..she was squishing his head with her voice now!

"Well, uh...you know how those guys are down there in engineering, boss. I gotta give them something. They're just so darn technical!"

Miss P. frowned but seemed satisfied. Many of the scientists in BlackList Unlimited spent so much time over a microscope they expected everything to be described in minute detail.

"I suppose the last time I saw him...he looked kind of like me."

To Kevin's astonishment, his boss actually appeared...whimsical? No, she didn't look like his boss anymore. More like she was ten years younger and didn't feel the urge to throttle anyone.

Unfortunately, that moment of peace flew straight out the window when the fellow on her phone started protesting.

"What...No!"

And she was back.

"I don't care!"

Miss P. one hundred percent.

"You are getting on that satellite and you are coming back down here, Mister!"

Funny how she could look like a very disgruntled mom.

"Well, when you get home you can build yourself another shuttle and fly all the way back up to the moon and fly all they way back down again to prove your point!"

Kevin wondered vaguely if he'd ever get to meet this 'Victor' who could unhinge his boss so easily.

"Yes, yes, fine. You can take your friend with you if you just promise to get on that shuttle. For me. Please"

Miss P. also had a nasty habit of grinding her teeth when she was frustrated. She hung up the phone and pinched the bridge of her nose under her glasses. Then she noticed Kevin was still watching her.

"Can I help you, little man?" She folded her fingers slowly in front of her.

Kevin grinned sheepishly. "Looks like you got quite a family reunion going on there, Miss P."

"Shut up, Kevin."

"Yes, Ma'am."

Her intern clicked himself off. Good. Miss P. would hate to have to march into the other room and strangle the boy. Interns didn't come cheap these days.

She sighed and picked up the name plate at the front of her desk.

"I hate family reunions." She muttered, and fingered the gold engraving absentmindedly. As if the name had ever changed:

Victoria Perkins, CEO.

**Holy Moley! I actually finished something! I'm really sorry this is so long. I wrote this down freehand in a little journal first (because it's easier to carry around for when an idea hits you) and it looked smaller on paper. I think it took up less space in that book than on this page! Go figure. But I had so much fun doing this, so I hoped you enjoyed it.**

**Well, one of my experiments with this fic was if I could get cannon characterization down through an OC character. And, if through contact with cannon characters, you get a good idea of who a non-cannon character is. Sound confusing? Basically, if you can get a clear view of Miss P. and you have a clear idea of what Vector and Mr. Perkins are up to, despite that all of this fic taking place in an office, I've done my job. **

**Oh, and I noticed at the end of Despicable Me, Vector seemed in a pretty good mood (dancing) despite being stranded in space. So, I decided to give him a reason.**

**And, if you actually made it to the bottom of this page, you deserve a reward. Go to my author's page on this site and you'll find a few story ideas I have up for grabs for anyone who wants to try them. Hey, maybe you'll get inspired! I'll post more there if people are interested!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own "Despicable Me" or any of it's characters. They belong to Illumination Entertainment. I do, however, own my two OC's here. I'm receiving no profit for this work, I just wrote it for fun and laughs. **

**Hey guys! Guess what? Due to popular demand, I'm continuing this thing! I'm glad it was so well recieved! **

**I can't tell you much right now, but I did change the name of Miss P.'s company to BlackList Unlimited-I just liked it better.**

**Don't forget to review! And a special thanks to DP-shrine-in-closet-girl! She did a stellar job as my beta.**

Chapter 2

Never break eye contact. Never show weakness. Don't even blink. Never. Ever.

Not in front of him.

"So you see, Victoria, that's why I can only pay you 40 % of your original fee."

The man on Miss P.'s monitor didn't even bother to hide his smugness. Why hadn't she seen this coming? Never mix business with family. Why bother with archenemies when you had your own flesh and blood? She pushed her glasses farther up her nose.

"I don't see what the problem is. He landed safely."

"In Antarctica."

"Because he played with the navigation system."

"You should have put his inquisitive mind into consideration."

This was getting nowhere. An argument between these two Perkins was like getting caught in a never-ending loop-de-loop: it could last for days. Victoria didn't have that kind of time.

"Fine. But, the matter still stands that not all my equipment has been returned."

"Oh? Is sister angry because little brother won't give her back her toy?"

_Way to rub it in, Dad._ "That satellite is BlackList property. He can't just keep it as a souvenir."

"Try telling him that."

Miss P. rubbed her forehead irritably. "I've tried. He won't answer my calls, and he's blasted every retrieval squad I've sent his way."

The bloated man smirked. "Actually, I think a more-"

"Bossy-Bossss! You done with your meety-greety thing yet?"

Miss P. shrieked as her father's face was replaced by a Cheshire Cat-faced girl on the screen. Her frizzy hair smoked suspiciously.

"Z-Zoe!" Miss P. sometimes wondered if the universe liked playing games with her sanity. "We've been through this! You can't...your hair's on fire again."

"Ohhh..." Zoe nodded as if her boss had said something profound.

"So, what do we do if we don't want to burn to death?"

"Umm..." Zoe scratched her flaming head in deep thought. "Does it involve getting wet?"

"Actually, it does."

"Can it wait?"

"That's usually not how it works."

Zoe looked hurt. "But I just got done with the new explody-thing and if Bossy-Boss could come down here and see what a good job I did-"

"Zoe," Miss P. said dryly. "Bossy-Boss is busy. Bossy-Boss has become a pawn in the game of life." She found it hard to believe the person she was speaking to was old enough to vote. Funny thing about geniuses: sometimes the higher the IQ, the more prone they were to...quirks...

At least Zoe was happy with her answer. "Okey-dokey! I hope you win!" And her grinning face was suddenly replaced by a scowling middle-aged man.

"...What was that?"

"Just one of my engineers, Dad." Victoria waved the whole matter aside with a sweep of her hand. "She thinks it's fun to hack into my computer-"

"I find it upsetting that my own offspring can't keep her employees under control." Mr. Perkin's voice lowered an octave.

"How I run my company is none of your business." She said smoothly. "What is my business is that state-of-the-art, customized and very expensive satellite apparently hanging in my brother's living room!"

"What about it?

"We've been over this. That particular model was a special order from one of my highest-paying clients. We don't have the time or the funds to make another one before his deadline!" Victoria caught herself just in time. _Never raise your voice in front of him._ Stay calm. This man was already dealing with supervillians before she was even in diapers.

Mr. Perkins didn't seem bothered, however. "Well then, go get it."

"I believe that's what we were discussing."

"No," Mr. Perkins leaned closer on the monitor. "I mean, you go get it."

Miss P. froze, but her expression didn't change. "Excuse me?"

"I believe I have reimbursed you sufficiently, and might I add, generously for your cooperation. I have paid you back in full for time, equipment, and manpower involved."

_Liar_, Miss P. thought.

"I even paid off your phone bill-"

"_Half_ my phone bill."

"As I said, I paid for that collect call Victor made to you while in orbit—and believe me, that was no small fee. Now if you truly have your heart set on retrieving that little piece of junk, I suggest you do it yourself."

"You know I can't do that."

"Can't, or won't?"

Mr. Perkins looked steadily at his oldest offspring for a moment. It was an expression he use when he was about to be unpleasant with a client. Miss P. was very familiar with it.

"Victoria, I'll level with you. Victor has been, shall we say...uncooperative with me since his homecoming."

"Come to his senses, has he?"

Mr. Perkins ignored her. He was used to her sarcasm. "Like someone _else_ I could name, I've invested much time and effort into that boy. He can't just shirk his responsibilities-"

"What responsibilities? Considering what he's been through, I think he deserves to be a little 'uncooperative.'"

Had this man already forgotten his son had almost died last week? Victoria couldn't forget even if she wanted to. Years upon years of nothing and suddenly little brother gives her a shout out from the moon. She still wasn't over the shock.

"And you're saying you want me to come down and make him behave?"

"Am I?"

There were times, some of which Victoria was too young to remember, when her father tried similar tactics. It was old then, and it was old now. She exhaled through her nose in exasperation and adjusted her glasses.

"Dad...I think by now Victor is old enough to take care of himself."

Mr, Perkins seemed more amused than offended. It was strange, but that frightened Miss P. more than if he wrapped his fingers around her throat.

But instead, he just chucked. "Whatever gave you that idea?" And he held up an apple. "I was merely stating that, like you and your satellite, I too hate the notion that I put so much capital into a project...only to see it-"

"Dad, the apple thing stopped working on me when I was six."

Mr. Perkins stopped in mid-squeeze. "Either way, I'd say I'm done here."

Victoria was ready for this. She presented an apple of her own, and with almost wild relish, tore into it like she hadn't eaten in a week. She grinned sarcastically while juice dribbled down her chin.

"Lovely to see you again, sir."

Mr. Perkins' eyes narrowed. "Likewise, Victoria."

The moment he was off the screen, Miss P. was doubled over a wastebasket, retching like she'd been poisoned.

"Eccchhh! Why did I have to swallow? Whyyy?"

She had to get out of her office. She scraped her tongue, then a few tooth brushing sessions and and several bottles of mouthwash later, Miss P. was standing out in the foyer.

The salty smell of the ocean from the open windows always calmed her down. Just a few minutes. Just a few minutes of this and she could get back to business as usual.

"And if you'll follow me, let's all go to the lobby—to get ourselves some treats!"

Oh, crap. Was it Friday already?

"I kid, of course, but it's here that BlackList shows much of it's sunny-sided disposition to it's exclusive clientele."

_'Sunny-sided?'_ Miss P. face-palmed behind the pillar she was currently eavesdropping behind. Oh, Kevin, whoever put you down for tour guide duty was going to feel the business end of some customized brass knuckles...or discover what life was like as the new handler to the Genetics Lab's failed experiments...whichever she felt like doing later.

She risked a peek around her hiding place at Friday's new interns. Hmm...typical bunch. Mostly grad students and kids fresh out of high school. She could also see some older people mixed in-most likely laid-off technicians and inventors in need of a new trade. The American economy was starting to crack down on even the scientific community. Those who found their way here...well, who cares who they worked for or what they did as long as they had a job?

"And, if you'll come this way-"

No, no! Don't bring them over here! It's amazing how quickly one can learn to tip-toe and sprint at the same time when you're Mr. Perkins' offspring. Victoria's long legs propelled her across the room, down the hall, and through several secret passageways before she allowed herself to exhale.

XXXXXXXXX

At least the ocean was good company.

The CEO of BlackList Unlimited relaxed on a large, smooth boulder, far below the outcropping which supported part of her massive company. The waves lapped at her bare feet and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. She tilted her head back. The moon, despite being synonymous with nighttime, always seemed to be visible during the day, too. It was beautiful...Had Victor thought the Earth was beautiful, from his lonely little perch up there, looking back?

Victoria's eyebrows creased. No. She didn't want to think about that. She wanted to enjoy herself. She tilted her head back further.

The sun felt...heavenly. Miss P. removed her thick glasses, and feeling perfectly at ease for the moment, let her hair down. If anyone from Blacklist had come across her just now, they'd see a completely different woman. But, no one else was down here, and the sea kept her secrets.

"Hey! Bossy-Boss! That you?"

_Gee thanks, ocean. What did I ever do to you?_

Miss P. quickly put herself back in order and searched for the voice's owner. She saw an odd, darkish mass of color bobbing gleefully in the water a few yards off the coastline. It waved and splashed around wildly like the world's most uncoordinated fish. For lack of a better response, Miss P. waved back.

She watched as Zoe kicked and flailed towards her in a sad attempt at a doggy paddle. The engineer stumbled a little when she reached shore, but managed to right herself enough to slosh over to her mildly stunned boss.

"Hi!"

"What were you doing?"

"You said get all wet." She plopped down on the boulder next to Miss P., who raised an incredulous eyebrow.

"...you didn't jump out the window again, did you?"

"Nopes! I was very careful! I made sure I was on the cliff face first!"

""Ugghh...Zoe..." Victoria wiped an errant strand of seaweed out of the girl's eyes. "One of these days you're not going to jump far enough, and it won't be pretty."

Zoe curiously cocked her head to the side. The soot on her face had run in odd streaks down her cheeks. With her drippy hair and soggy miss-matched clothes, the engineer reminded Miss P. of a melted oil painting.

"You know, sometimes you remind me of someone else I know who's about your age..."

"Really?" Zoe's face blossomed into a huge grin. "Lots and lots and lots like me?"

"Well..." Miss P. pinched of some space between her thumb and forefinger. "Maybe a little...heaven forbid he's matured any since I was away."

She looked up at the daytime moon again. "...or maybe someday, you'll jump too far."

"Ummm...isn't that a good thing?"

Victoria frowned. "Depends on how far...and how fast."

"Bossy-Boss?" Zoe eyed her with concern. "You look sick."

"Do I?" The older woman looked down, deep in thought. "Zoe, do you know how long it's been since I've been stateside?"

"...Is this a trick question?"

Miss P. looked at her concerned companion. "Never mind. I was thinking out loud."

"Ohh..." Zoe rocked uncomfortably from side to side. She stuck a finger in her mouth and chewed it anxiously. "Bossy-Boss isn't making any sense! I think Bossy-Boss needs a vacation."

Miss P. regarded the little tech with wide eyes for a moment. "Why Zoe, that's the wisest thing I've ever heard you say!"

"Huhh...?" Zoe's finger popped out of her mouth. "I'm wise?"

"Today you are."

"That's nice."

"Isn't it, though?" Victoria was already on her feet. She adjusted her glasses and made sure her suit and hair were in proper order. When she was satisfied, she turned to Zoe.

"I need to go back up there. There are some arrangements I need to make. Care to come with me?"

"Okay!" Zoe was pleased to see her boss back to normal. She let Miss P. help her to her feet and the plodded merrily along in the sand beside her. Grinning, she glanced over to her employer.

Crisp and stoic, Miss P. strode along the beach while obviously deep in thought. Zoe marveled at this. Anytime _she'd_ ever tried to do stuff like walking while calculating quantum mechanics, she usually forgot which foot to put in front of the other.

Miss P. must have noticed Zoe watching her, because she turned to the little engineer with an assignment.

"I'm going to need some un-circulated, high profile anti-tracking devices. Think you can whip something up?"

"You betcha!"

"An encrypted cell phone, a few maps of the stateside coastal region, I'll also have to help myself to one of the company's disposable jets..." She paused. "...I need you to find someone for me. I don't have an address. It's possible his location is well hidden."

"Umm, Boss?"

"Mmm?"

"Can we look at my explody-thing first?"

To tell the truth, Victoria had completely forgotten about that. "Sure. Why not? Far be it for me to miss you destroy what's left of the lab."

"Yay!"

The waves continued to lap gently at the shore as they walked, while a daytime moon watched silently over head.

**Thank you guys so much again for giving me the courage to continue this story! Please bear with me though, I'm a slow writer. I'll have the next part up when I finish it ;)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer : I do not own ''Despicable Me" or any of it's characters. They belong to Illumination Entertainment. I do however, own my OC here. I'm receiving no profit for this work, I did it for fun and laughs.**

**Whew! I finally finished this chapter! Sorry it took so long. I was going through some health issues and personal probelms that left me feeling down in the dumps for a few weeks. But, line by line, I got this done!**

**And, a special shout-out to DPShrineInTheClosetGirl for being my Beta! I couldn't have done this without you!**

Chapter 3

_The police station door opened to the early morning frost to reveal a monolith of a man. He escorted a much smaller, skinny girl whose face is all but hidden beneath a river of long black hair and enormous glasses. She marched stiffly towards the waiting limousine, her scowl matching the giant beside her._

_The ride home is not a pleasant one._

_The two passengers sat side-by-side in the back of the limo. The man, who's patched and frizzy black hair scraped the car's roof, exhales and doesn't bother to look at his daughter before speaking._

"_Ten days!"_

_The girl didn't move. She sat rim-rod straight in her seat, staring resolutely ahead. She had learned not to flinch._

_The man continues._

"_I can forgive the broken window-_this time_. I can forgive the rather...graphic note we found on your pillow. I can even forgive the large sum of cash missing from my personal safe-_this time_." He paused, and his daughter silently readied herself for the explosion. "But, GETTING CAUGHT? Over something as trivial as AUTO THEFT?" He turned to her. " I taught you better than that!"_

_She didn't move. In fact, she seemed to stiffen even more, if that was humanly possible._

_Her father continued. "What would your Mother say? If you remembered half the things I taught you, you could have shaken them before reaching the county line!" He rubbed his head wearily. "Why do you keep running away, Victoria?"_

_The girl, who fit only half the age requirement for leading anyone on a high-speed chase, said nothing._

_It's quiet in the limo for some time. They were nearly home before Victoria breaks the silence._

"_...What _did_ Mom say?"_

"_I didn't tell her." Mr. Perkins replied. "It didn't seem to be a good idea-she was busy with other things."_

_His voice softened, and to Victoria's surprise, he placed one of his massive hands on her shoulder. " She had the baby while you were away...you have a little brother."_

"_It's a boy?" She didn't bother to hide the anguish in her voice._

"_Sorry to disappoint you."_

_Victoria gritted her teeth. It would be just like Dad-she just knew it!_

_Mr. Perkins continued, "He would like to meet you-"_

"_It's a baby, it doesn't 'want' anything."_

"_He's family."_

_They were pulling into the driveway. Victoria snorted. "It's a _boy._ I don't think so."_

XXXXXXX

Twenty-something odd years later...

It was a balmy mid-afternoon when a red Ferrari with it's hood down pulled up to a fortress that had obviously seen better days. A very skinny woman with a long black ponytail stepped nimbly out of her vehicle and eyed the rubble that used to be the front gate. Just what had happened here?

"Hello?"

If he was home, he'd know she was here by now. She stepped over a boulder and cautiously searched for any security cameras. The sunlight reflected off the clear moat behind fence. It cast eerie, twisting patterns on everything.

"Hey!" She unclipped the tinted shades from her glasses. "Bro, it's me. You home?"

Nothing.

Victoria exhaled through her nose. She felt kind of funny being here by herself. Kind of like the only kid at an empty swimming pool. She noticed movement out of the corner of her eye.

The tip of a large gray mass broke the moat's surface and eyed her warily.

"Hi, Fish! Long time no see." Victoria knelt down so she was level with the shark's eyes and held out a hand. "It's me-Big Sis!"

A Great White shark that was big enough to swallow her whole sniffed Victoria's hand. When it was satisfied, it swam closer so she could pet it's nose.

"Look how big you got!" The shark, despite not being the most affectionate of nature's creatures, nuzzled her warmly.

"Aww, you're such a-what's this lump?" Victoria examined further, and found a nasty-looking red bruise right under the shark's nose.

And a horrible thought occurred to her-the rubble, the silence, the frightened, injured shark...

"Just what happened here, Fish?" Sadly, predictably, Fish gave no reply.

"Okay. Fine." Victoria whipped out her cell phone. "I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting _you_ a vet, and I'm calling some of my-"

"Hey! No outgoing calls!"

"Huh" Victoria looked stunned. Did that come from a speaker?

"Mr. Hotshot's got this whole place wired!"

Okay. Add possible paranoid little brother to the list of worries. "So...I guess this means you are home."

"..." "Shoot"

"Can I come in?"

"No."

Something was wrong with his voice. It was deeper somehow...stuffy. Then again, besides that phone call, she hadn't spoken with him in years. His voice would have deepened. ...But, he sounded so different on the phone.

"Bro. I've been on the road for days. I need a hot bath and a good night's sleep."

"You're in luck. There's a motel a mile up the road."

Victoria frowned. "Bro. Don't do this."

She walked back to her car. After digging through an impressive collection of snack-food wrappers in the trunk, she found what she was looking for.

"Umm, I picked up a few things I thought you might like on my way up here."

"Oh, _greeeat_."

Victoria could literally hear his eyes rolling. She went ahead, anyway.

"I got this cute little gift basket full of dried soup mixes."

"Lame."

"I got some coconutties-" And the plate of cookies was instantly vaporized by a tiny laser beam.

She looked wide-eyed a the pile of ash in her hand. "What...the..."

"Do not ever, EVER show those things to me again!"

"I...okay." Now she knew something was wrong. Getting shot at was one thing, but since when did Victor Perkins turn down free cookies?

"Um, how about some flowers?" She held up the plastic bouquet hopefully.

"Do I even _know _you?"

"Well, what do you want from me?"

"You told Dad."

Oh, so that was what this was about. "You mean that phone call?" Victoria sighed in exasperation. "Dad found out on his own!"

He didn't have any response for that.

Victoria sat on the hood of her car for a long minute. She contemplated the sky, which was clear except for some artificial-looking clouds outlining a suspiciously triangular pattern behind her brother's fortress.

Oh. She had heard _something_ about that, hadn't she?

"Nice pyramid."

"...Sweet...ride."

Well, at least he was making the effort.

Victoria grinned. "You better believe it. I stole her a state or two back. She glides like butter."

"...What does that even mean?"

She ignored his comment and ran a finger over the glossy hood. Wasn't he driving now? It's not like she could take this baby home. She'd stolen several cars on her way down here, and would need to steal a few more on the way back...the things one does to avoid getting caught stateside.

"It's yours if you let me in."

He seemed to consider, although it sounded more like a stifled sneeze.

"Deal."

The front door opened with a mechanical whir, and Victoria Perkins stepped into the darkness.

XXXXXXX

Well, perhaps darkness wasn't the most accurate term to use. Victor's living room wasn't well-lit, but it wasn't completely dark, either. The eerie, twisting patterns from the outside reflected up from the aquarium which made up the floor. Fish the shark swam along beneath Victoria's feet. With the high, cavernous ceiling cast in swirling shades of pale blue, it was like being inside a phosphorescent cave. Kind of nice, actually.

And, suspended high above, like a huge, lopsided stalactite was-

"Oh, Vic! I was hoping that was just a rumor!"

Victoria stared dismally up at what was once a very expensive piece of BlackList property.

"Look what you've done to my satellite!"

And then she heard the unmistakable sound of someone trying very hard not to make any noise while sneezing, but not doing a very good job.

The oldest Perkins sibling was up the stairs in a shot, taking the steps two at a time. She _knew_ that sneeze.

"Darn it, Bro! Don't tell me this is all because you're-" She reached the top steps and yanked the first door open-and was greeted by a blast of hot, steamy air.

At first, Victoria thought she had stepped into a sauna by mistake, but as her vision adjusted to the gloom, she saw she was in the right place.

No less than four large humidifiers were slowly wheeling around the crescent-shaped room on small, mechanical trolleys. A funny-shaped blue and yellow balloon was tied to one of them. And, deep withing the cloudy steam was a small shivering man on the center of a huge, perfectly round bed.

Victoria sighed. "Oh, Sharkie."

He'd grown, obviously, but seeing him wrapped in that little fishy blanket reminded her of when he'd come home early from 'Little Evils' camp with the sniffles...and poison ivy...and a black eye. What else could a loving sister say?

"You look pathetic."

He rolled his eyes. "Ha. Ha."

"Dad didn't tell me you were sick..."

"I knew it! He sent you here, didn't he? I thought you two weren't talking."

"We're not." She motioned her head towards his living room. "What I'm here for is that lovely piece of modern art you've got hanging in the other room."

"Whatever."

"So..." Victoria shifted awkwardly from side to side. "Is it safe to come in, or do I need a hazmat suit?"

Victor sniffed derisively. "Enter at your own risk, Sis. I've been up in space. I may have stuff that'll make your face melt off!"

"Okay, okay. I get the idea!" She gave an exasperated sigh, and stepped into the hot, steamy room.

He sat up straight, looking affronted. "Hey, hey! How do you know I'm not a Body Snatcher?"

"I'll take my chances."

Victor folded his arms and tried not to pout as someone he hadn't seen since he was a teenager strode over to his bedside. He felt...weird. Yeah, _he'd _called _her_, he'd _wanted_ to call her, but things weren't exactly cool between them the last time they'd been face to face. And here she was, just striding into his room like nothing had happened-while he was at his most vulnerable! Hadn't she ever heard of personal space? It was bad enough he'd looked weak in front of his father.

She leaned closer to him and gave him a wry smile. "Sharkie..."

"...Slugger."

Victoria hadn't heard _that _one in awhile. She ignored the guarded expression he was giving her.

" I risked a lot coming down here to see you."

"Yeah?...So?"

"So, would it kill you to be more hospitable?"

She had a point, but Victor wasn't about to admit it. Instead, he opted to very loudly blow his nose on one of the many tissues scattered around on his bed.

"Do I _look_ hospitable?"

She shrugged. "Not really, but you could humor me. I brought you gifts."

"_Lame_ gifts."

"You'll like this one. It's a book-you asked for it, remember?"

"Since when did I ever-" The he froze. Oh, poop! That phone call! "Sis, I-I wasn't really myself up there!"

"You sounded okay to me," And, like a supervillain unveiling her master weapon, Victoria whipped a large picture book out of nowhere. "As requested, Little Bro.: 'The Day I Swapped My Dad For Two Goldfish!'"

It's amazing how quickly you can forget the chill in one's bones when faced with impending humiliation. Victor was out of bed and halfway across the room before his sister finished reading the title.

XXXXXXX

The afternoon sun glinted off the tiny, crablike legs of a cookie wearing a peaked army cap. It surveyed the area in what it hoped was a Patton-esque manner before signaling to it's companion-a smaller cookie in a pink helmet. Together, they made their way across the white rubble to the gleaming, red mobile device they'd watched enter their territory a few minutes ago.

They approached the vehicle with caution, and inspected on of the rear wheels. When it didn't react, the pair scuttled around the whole car, collected data for the rest of the team, and attempted to get the red giant's attention. Perhaps it was offline?

Before they could attempt any more communications Red-wheeled-non-cookie-intruder, a rustling sound sent them skittering back behind the rubble.

A slender periscope slowly rose out of a clump of bushes across the street. Its view lens swept over the fortress' perimeter until it noticed the Ferrari. This was new! The rest of the spy-bot wheeled out of it's hiding place. Finally! This was the first new thing in over a week!

The eager bot started to speed over to the shiny red car-only to be crushed by another car doing 60 in a 25 mile an hour zone.

Somewhere, many miles away, the colorful curses of a small yellow creature bounced off the walls of a massive underground compound-much to the delight of a girl clad in pink, who made a note to look up each and every word later...well, the ones she could understand, anyway.

The cookies clutched each other in dread as they watched what was left of the spy-bot crawl pathetically back to it's post. That was a close one! They would have to be more watchful if the Master Programer had indeed returned for them. They'd become too attached to their freedom to go back now.

XXXXXXX

"_What's that? (I said) Two goldfish. (he said) They are called Sawney and Beany. Aren't they neat?"_

"NO THEY'RE NOT! NO THEY'RE NOT!"

"Cut it out, Bro, I gotta read this!"

"LET! ME! GO!"

It's so difficult to read a book when you've got your brother in a choke-hold. And he reeked of Mentholatum. Seriously. Victoria wondered if he must have bathed in it. Her eyes were already fogging up-and the steam from the humidifiers wasn't helping. She didn't know how much longer she could hold on to the little guy.

"Victor, you embarrassed me in front of one of my _interns!_ You're gonna listen to this if it kills y-"

"Fight! Fight! Fight!"

Victoria dropped her still-squirming brother in alarm. "What was that?"

"I told you about my alien, remember?" Victor muttered from his place on the floor. He glared over at the yellow and blue shape suspended from one of his mobile humidifiers. "Some _help_ you were."

"Deedle." And Victoria stared as the 'balloon' sheepishly uncoiled itself and waved.

"Ummm..." She shook her head. Okay...so maybe he wasn't as delusional as she thought.

"Bro..that...doesn't look like any alien I've seen." She looked down. "Bro?"

He was still sprawled out on the floor. He moaned weakly.

"Oh, crap." Victoria knelt beside her brother and felt his clammy forehead. "Geez, Vic. You're so hot!"

Victor managed a weak smile. "Nice of you to notice. But, I don't think my sister should be telling me stuff like that."

"Mind out of gutter, Bro. You-" She helped him to his feet, and stared. She had failed to notice while she'd been chasing him around the room, but...apparently that mondo-epic growth spurt she promised him when they were kids never showed up.

He gave her a puzzled look. "What?"

But she was too busy trying not to laugh. Instead, she opted to to pat him lightly on the head, and then she placed a hand on top of her own scalp-much higher up.

And then she lost it.

Naturally, Victor was more than a little offended. "Oh, thank you! Real mature!"

He marched back to his bed...or rather, he tried to march back to his bed. He was still feeling more than a little woozy, so he tottered back and forth like the floor was moving under his feet.

His sister managed to catch him before he fell into a humidifier, and he didn't have the energy to shrug her off. She helped carry him the rest of the way.

"Geez, Bro. How did you get like this?"

"Because the South Pole is just lovely this time of year." He let her help him into bed.

"Hey, don't pin that on me! I _did_ have that thing set to land in the Bahamas." She ruffled his hair, and he promptly swatted her hand away. "You never could keep your hands to yourself, Victor."

"It's not 'Victor' anymore."

"Not to everyone."

Did she have to say that? Why couldn't anyone take him seriously? He'd put a lot of thought into his new name!

But, he didn't have the energy to point this out, or even protest when she removed his glasses and placed them on the nightstand. It was hard enough keeping his eyes open.

Apparently he was fighting a loosing battle-Victoria noticed her brother had nodded off almost the moment his head hit the pillow. Crap. She just had to make him run two or three laps around his room, didn't she?

"Shhh! No getika lee."

Oh, yes. Then there was that...thing. The humidifier it was currently tied to had wheeled over close enough she could see it's one eye, partially fogged over from steam. It put a finger to it's mouth, and waved politely.

Okay...She'd seen weirder. She'd seen _much_ weirder. But there was something...off about that thing. Surely it wasn't an alien.

Whatever it was, it was obviously expecting something from her.

It was wearing overalls! How the heck it that thing get overalls? And goggles! It was just too surreal. All she could do was wave open-mouthed as the little yellow apparition floated merrily by.

Sweat dripped down into her eyes. It helped sober her up, but it was still way too hot in here.

"...Hey, E.T."

"Buh?"

She made sure to speak softly. "Where's the bathroom? I haven't had a shower in days."

"Chokde lit neku leopani..." The alien chattered helpfully while making signs in the air-possibly to represent directions.

He could have been reciting Gilgamesh while doing the Macarena for all the good it did.

"Wow...'Second star to the right and straight on till morning.' Gotcha." Really, if she wanted nonsense, she would have just chatted with Zoe for half an hour.

"Umm...Bro?

She really didn't want to wake him. Perhaps he wasn't quite asleep yet. She leaned over and whispered again. "Bro, you awake?"

"Mmf...buzz off." And he huddled further into the covers.

In response, she flicked his ear.

"Ow!" _That _woke him up. He bolted upright in bed "What was that for?"

"Sorry. Couldn't resist. Your bathroom. Where is it?"

"Did you ask Twinkie?" He rubbed his ear in annoyance.

"I don't speak pantomime."

Victor glanced back over at his yellow companion, who was more than a little irritated that it's instructions were being ignored. He decided not to tell his sister about the rude hand gesture the creature was giving her behind her back. He'd laugh later.

"Is there anything else you require, 'O Invader of Personal Space?"

"Don't make me chase you again."

He couldn't help but pout. The first time was a freebie. Sister or not, if she tried that again, she'd meet the piranha gun. "Two doors down on the right." And he laid back down.

"Good gravy, was that so hard?"

He waited a few minutes after she left to close his eyes. 3...2...1...

"VIC! WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO YOUR TOILET?"

_Welcome home._ Vector let his smirk follow him into dreamland.

**Author's note: A fortress as big as Vector's has more than one bathroom, but he doesn't plan on telling _her _that for awhile!**

**Also, Kudos to anyone who knows what Gilgamesh is. Super Kudos to anyone who lived through the Macarena era (shudder)!**

**"The Day I Swapped My Dad For Two Goldfish" truly exists! It's a lovely (and funny!) children's book by Neil Gaiman and Dave McKean. I highly reccomend it. It may by a children's book, but it's fun for adults, too!**


	4. Chapter 4

**I bet you thought this fic was dead, didn't you? No way! I'm just a slow writer...sometimes slower than usual.**

**You see, I really struggled with this chapter...painfully. The words and characters wouldn't cooperate for me except in snippets, and the dual whammy of family/personal and health problems didn't help much. There were times when I was either too sick or too sad to write. **

**So, I'm kind of proud of myself for finishing this chapter.**

**And, on another note: The story format for parts of this chapter and the next few are inspired by the story-telling style Scott Beatty and David Ross used for the comic book 'Batman:Gotham Knights' issue # 42. (yes, I'm a Batman lover). This particular issue dealt with telling an almost month-long story in only 22 pages-and it was done beautifully. This tiny comic book managed to convey the ups and downs, frustrations and resolutions of several people tied together by a single problem. This feat was accomplished by using only one page for each day, and focusing on one particular moment in that day...like a well drawn out montage. **

**I'm not trying to imitate Beatty and Ross, but I the loved the idea, and the format seemed to fit the plot style needed for this and the next upcoming chapters. And, it's a nice challenge. It's harder than you think, and I couldn't quite do it in some places. **

**And, a special shout-out to DPShrineInClosetGirl, my BETA. She did a great job encouraging me and helping me get this done when times were rough. Thanks, Shrine!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own "Despicable Me" or any of it's characters. They belong to Illumination Entertainment. I do, however, own my OC here. I'm receiving no profit for this work, I just wrote it for fun and laughs.**

**Lunch Break and a Can of Worms Chapter 4**

_Despite the arrival of spring, snow sliced through the darkness and pummeled the king-sized mansion like it held a personal vendetta with the family inside._

_Strangely, this was not noticed by the tiny boy seated snugly between his sister's spindly crossed legs. Some things were more important._

"Yes. Some are red. Some are blue. Some are old. Some are new."

_Like story time. _

"Some are thin. Some are fat. The fat one has a yellow hat."

_The toddler listened with with rapt attention as his sister continued reading. _

_As a fourth-grade victim of an early growth spurt, she already towered over her classmates. She bent down low to keep the pages at her brother's eye-level. Because of this, her hair draped over them both and to the edges of the book. To the boy, this had the effect of being in a cozy, one-person theater, with two slick black curtains on either side._

"From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere." _She turned the page._"Here are some who like to run. They-"

"_Nah!" The boy sternly grabbed for the book. With tiny fingers, he tried his best to turn the pages back. _

"_Victor, can't we finish this thing for once?" His sister sighed in exasperation and ran a tongue through her braces._

"_Nah! This one!"_

"_But, don't you want to hear the one about the guy with eleven fingers?"_

"_This one! This one, Sissy!" He tugged at a lock of his sister's hair impatiently. She managed to separate the strands from his grasp before he started chewing on them. _

"_Geez," she muttered, " We got this whole book here and he only wants to hear the first few pages." But, she turned the book back to the beginning like her brother demanded._

"_Okay, once again for the record, _'one fish, two fish, red fish'_...you gonna help me?" She pointed to a pleasant-looking sky-colored fish at the bottom of the page. "What's this one?"_

"_Bwue fish!"_

"_Yup! And, this one?"_

"_Bwack fish!"_

"_Very good!" Victoria ruffled the toddler's hair affectionately. This pleased the boy, who would have returned the his sister's gesture in kind if he could reach the top of her head. Instead, he settled for lightly pulling on her hair again. _

_It was strange, but Victoria actually sort of enjoyed her brother using her locks as a pulley system. She understood that like most children his age, he just couldn't keep his hands to himself. True, she couldn't let him get away with it too often, but it was less perilous than say, getting into Mom's experimental weapons stash...or pulling on Dad's pant leg._

"Some are sad. And some are glad. And some are very, very bad."

"_Yay!"_

_Yes, it was never too early to start your kid on the track to villainous behavior in the Perkins family. It wouldn't be too long now before she'd have to start him on 'Fun on The Run With Dick and Jane.'_

"Why are they sad and glad and bad? I do not know."_ And suddenly, almost unreadably, Victoria cringed. She took a deep breath. "Goaskyourdad-"_

"_Daaddy—mff!"_

"_No, no! We go through this ever time! You don't need to ask Dad!" She was never fast enough. She never could quite get get her hand cupped around her baby brother's mouth before he inevitably called for their father. She cautiously removed her hand. As usual, the boy gave her a look of annoyed curiosity. _

"_Then whysit say so?"_

"_Because Dr. Sues didn't have you in mind when he wrote it."_

"_Me?"_

"_Yeah. You." She brushed some of her long hair behind her ear. " How many kids speak so well at your age?"_

_This was new. Sissy didn't usually say that. Little Victor pulled off his glasses and chewed on the lenses questioningly. He still wasn't used to the heavy things, but Mommy and Sissy had them, too, so they must be a good thing. _

_Sissy gently pulled the glasses out of his mouth. She eyed him thoughtfully as she placed them back on his head. "And, how old are you?"_

"_Uh..." The boy's tiny face scrunched together in concentration. "'leven...'leven years."_

"_No, not years. Try again."_

"_Umm...one less than...than twelve parts of one year."_

_Honestly, how could he already understand stuff like that? "Months. Eleven months."_

"_Months!" He sat up straighter and nodded proudly—he would not forget again...and he probably wouldn't._

_Victoria watched this with a mixture of pride...and maybe a hint of unease. It was like he was growing up way too fast. Was Mom like this when she was little?_

"_Nah! More book, Sissy!"_

_Did it even matter?_

_Instead of continuing, Sissy leaned in close. "How many little boys know math before their first birthday?"_

_Wow! Sissy was full of funny questions tonight! Victor didn't know where to even begin answering that one. He stared wonderingly back at her in the wide-eyed puzzled way all children look before they've learned to be upset by the unknown. He watched Sissy smile knowingly as she pointed a finger to his chest. _

_And suddenly the boy's face blossomed into a huge grin. He knew the answer to this one!_

"_Meeeee!"_

XXXXXXX

Twenty-or-so years later...

**Day 1**

"Okay, let's see it."

Vector watched as his sister pulled the thermometer out of his mouth and examined it critically.

She whistled. "Weeeelll, looks like _you're_ not doing much today.

Oh, for the love of-was she _really_ gonna do this? He wasn't a little kid anymore! Couldn't she figure that out? This was his house! He should probably tell her to take her stupid satellite and get lost.

...But he didn't.

He just sneezed and stared with groggy curiosity at the woman who looked kind of like the girl who used to read him bedtime stories. He couldn't quite see it. She looked more like a polished version of the angry young woman who'd stormed our of their house all those years ago...all her bags slung over one shoulder.

Funny what time does. That couldn't be the start of crow's feet at the corners of her eyes. And there was a nasty little scar just under her chin that he was pretty sure wasn't there before.

At least Victoria was still wearing her silver wristbands. That was comforting. He wondered if she'd improved on his original design.

She'd let her hair down completely today, and it spilled out impressively like ink on the orange bedsheets. He snagged a few strands before she sat up.

"What's this? Trying out for Rapunzel?"

She yanked her hair away irritably while pocketing the thermometer. "I like it long. You know that."

_Long?_ It looked like she hadn't cut it since she moved out!

"Hey wait!" Vector scrambled to snatch her hair back again. "Is this _gray_?"

"Is what—Oh." Victoria paused for millisecond before retrieving her hair...just a millisecond. "Many of my clients are older, more experienced. Sometimes it helps if they think I'm a little older myself," She lied.

"It's gray."

"It's artificial."

It's stress-related. Great gravy, it was just like him to find a tiny needle in a haystack! It wasn't like she was an old granny, yet!

Vector shrugged and laid back down. "Doesn't bother me much, but if _you're_ going gray, how much longer have _I_ got?"

"Aww, Bro. You don't need to worry about that. _Dad'_s going bald, remember?"

And she left him with that horrifying thought while she dished out breakfast.

There was a...questionable smell coming from the covered trolley parked next to Vector's bedside. He watched his sister with a raised eyebrow as she busied herself with whatever was on that thing.

"What's that?"

"I took the liberty of preparing the morning meal."

"I got robots for that."

She didn't bother to turn around. "So?"

"You burn water!"

Victoria rolled her eyes and placed a tray with a glass of..._something_ in front of him. "That only happened once. I've learned since then."

Had she? Vector prodded the glass sceptically with his spoon. "What's this?"

"It's tang. Drink up."

"What're these little green chunks?"

She shrugged and continued ladling out something hot and watery from a large saucepan. "Your fever's up. You're delirious. Now, drink it."

Less than a second later, a mouthful of those same green chunks were sprayed all over a good portion of Vector's clean sheets. "Eccchhh! Who the heck screws up tang?"

Victoria seemed more annoyed than shocked. "Geez, Bro! There was some good matcha in that!"

"You're slipping me _green tea_?_ YOU'RE TRYING TO POISON ME_!"

"Oh, hush. It's good for you." And like any patronizing big sister she set about cleaning up her brother's mess. "Powdered green tea and tang—dynamite combination. Drink it and you'll be back on your feet in no time! ...I guess you're supposed to add it to the tang before you add water."

"Gee, ya think?"

He probably would have said more if he hadn't been distracted by his sister mater-of-factually gathering up his now-green tea-splattered sheets.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Your laundry. Someone has to do it."

"I got robots for-" And a new look of horror suddenly spread over his face. _"What did you do with my robots?"_

"You don't need your robots. I'm here. Now, c'mon." She plunked a steaming bowl down in front of her still-shocked brother. "Here's your breakfast."

He took an unpleasant look at it's contents. "Oh, God..."

"It's one of those soup mixes I picked up for you," Victoria explained cheerfully, "Egg drop soup, I think."

"Is this _caviar?_"

"Very expensive egg drop soup. You didn't have any...What?"

Vector was giving his sister the look of someone who's just realized they're trapped in the same room with their worst nightmare.

XXXXXXX

**Day 2**

"...they're _multiplying!_"

On the smaller but still impressive wrap-around screen in Vector's bedroom was a quaint little scene of domestic bliss-a picnic...of cookies.

The Patton-esque leader of the small band of rogue cookie-bots sat leisurely beside it's pink-hatted mate. They contently watched their progeny-about half a dozen bite-sized mini-bots-sitting around a large napkin. Some of the other families were playing volleyball with a soda cap, a few were off playing hide and seek. A mountain of a shark's head watched them curiously from the nearby moat.

Back in his room, Vector stared at the screen with his mouth hanging open.

"_Sis!_" He pressed a button on his mini-keyboard and a smaller window displaying his sister popped up on screen. "Sis, get in-what did you do to my kitchen?"

An apron-clad Victoria Perkins stared back onscreen like a deer caught in the headlights. She stood at ground-zero of a room that was kind of hard to describe...the word 'food bomb' comes to mind. She managed to recover quickly.

"What are you doing up? I told you to stay in bed today!"

"Hey! I'm in bed! Does this not look like I'm in bed?" He gestured to the pillows, bedsheets, and Kleenex boxes around him.

"Awake. And active. Not part of the deal."

"..._Deal?_" Vector's eyes narrowed. "You barge into my house and take over my stuff. That doesn't strike me as 'deal' material."

"You. Sleep. Now." And much to Vector's disgust, she used a batter-covered spoon to click the screen off.

He sighed and flopped back down on his pillows. It was just like her to do something like this! What was her problem, anyway? As soon as she'd got settled in, it was like she'd declared martial law and he was her hostage. Most of his lights were back on in the other rooms, and all but one of his humidifiers—the one with the sleepy Twinkie tied to it-had disappeared. The only reason Twinkie was spared this hostile takeover was because Victoria really didn't know what to do with it...Vector was beginning to suspect his sister was just a tad scared of that thing: Both sibling and alien apparently had an unspoken agreement that neither one existed.

He blew his nose before looking back up at his screen. Some of the mini-bots were now playing 8-legged hopscotch.

"Cute." He muttered sarcastically. "Why don't you guys do me a favor and crawl up my sister's leg?"

He spent the rest of the day moping in his room and watching the mini-bots sky-dive off Fish's nose.

Later that evening when his fever spiked, Victoria-now clean and crisp—carefully entered his room carrying a wide orange mixing bowl.

"Peace offering?" She held out the bowl hopefully.

Vector regarded his dinner with mild interest. "Cookie dough?"

"Yup."

"You made it?"

"Yup."

He sat up shakily and shoveled a few spoon-fulls into his mouth. "The one food you don't screw up. Good bribe."

"Pfft. You're just picky." She casually sat on the foot of his bed and picked up her brother's bedroom keyboard. It had the same color scheme as everything else in his house—white with orange touch-screen buttons.

"Okay, I gotta ask: Why orange?"

Vector paused between spoon-fulls and looked his sister up and down. "Why red?"

_Touche._ She smirked and pressed one of the buttons on the keyboard. The large wrap-around monitor folded in on itself and retracted into the ceiling.

"Impressive, Bro."

"Ha! If you like that, you should see my-" He paused and smacked his lips. "...you put something in this, didn't you?"

"Just a light sedative. You haven't been sleeping." When she saw the alarmed look on his face, she added, "Nothing you're allergic to. I didn't forget you can't take normal meds."

Vector looked down at his already half-eaten bowl of cookie dough...and considered the possibility of a stomach-pump.

He took another bite.

But, it was such a shame to waste all this good nosh...

He took another bite.

And...he hadn't had cookies at all since he got home...and a little nap couldn't hurt..

He took yet _another_ bite.

"Sis, you're an evil genius."

Really, it was like she was some kind of savant who could demolish a kitchen and come out with the Holy Grail of cookie dough.

"Aren't we all?" Victoria waved the keyboard in his direction. "This is coming with me."

"Not."

She stood up and found a smaller remote on his nightstand. "This one's going, too." An she ducked just in time to avoid a Wii Remote halfheartedly aimed at her head. "Why, thank you. This saves time."

"Nazi. You won't find them all." But he didn't seem as upset as she thought he would be. He looked more like he didn't believe she was up to the task. Strange. The sedative was only supposed to make him sleepy.

"Perhaps. And perhaps I don't need to."

"And..._what_ do you plan on doing if Mr. Hotshot shows up?"

She looked up. "Oh, right! 'We're being watched'..."

"_Sis-_"

"I'll take care of it."

"Just like you 'took care' of my robots?"

Why did he look so offended?

"Yeah, about that—You really need to change your password more often."

"Pfft." He licked his spoon. "I change my passwords plenty." There was considerably less cookie dough now, but the bowl was getting steadily heavier. He leaned back into his pillows as his spoon clattered to the floor. Shoot. Sis always took over everything. Sis always thought she knew best...so, why wasn't he freaking out and throwing her out of his house?

"..But you know," she added, "with some of your bigger stuff, I didn't need a password. A lot of your rooms gave me a retina scan before I could go in...your computer fingerprinted me. I thought I was going to have some problems, but they all..._welcomed_ me."

She turned and regarded his prone form. "You never programed them with my information when I got here. So, why do they know me?"

A light snore was Vector's only response.

Victoria sighed and continued gathering up all her brother's gadgets. She hadn't expected him to say anything. One pinch of Valerian had about the same effect on him as an elephant tranquilizer. It's not that she had wanted to drug him, but she had no choice. Victor's allergies limited him from pretty much any and all the medicines out there, so the best remedy was always sleep—which he had not been doing.

There was now a stylish little collection of gizmos in her arms. Victoria sighed again. Seriously, he'd be better by now if he wasn't always fiddling with this stuff.

She glanced mournfully at her brother before heading for the door. "Bro, why do you do this to yourself?"

The door was almost closed when she heard someone mutter, "Why do you ask stupid questions?"

**Author's note: **

'**One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish' belongs to the lovable Dr. Seus**

**And hey! My fic now has fan-art! The lovely Windmaedchen, DeviantArt artist of many a Despicable Me pic, drew a round of requests not long ago, and I was one of the people she drew for! I originally wanted her to draw the flashback at the beginning of this fic, but I got to thinking and decided I wanted this instead: **

**h ttp :/ windmaedchen .deviantart. Com/ art/FlyingMoped-198818337 (without the spaces.)**

**It's so perfect! She got the looks and size ratio down perfectly! And, that's pretty much the same age Vector and Victoria are in the flashback, so you get a nice visual of their childhood. :)**

**And, also, Valerian is an herb sometimes used to help people relax enough for sleep. I wouldn't recommend using it like Victoria did, though (she comes from a sneaky villain family, after all!).**


End file.
